Last Thursday night I has the pleasure and the privilege of being the guest at PORK (Parents of Religious Kids). This is a group of parents who have children who have become observant of Torah and Mitzvot. They speak about their own experience, provide tips and advice for one another and offer support when needed.
The group has the shared experience, as most parents do, of having to deal with the changes in their relationship to their child. In these cases however, that change in the relationship was fairly sudden, quick and in the name of religion. Most parents were Jewish themselves and this seemed to bring a bit more contention.
I spoke about my personal journey, my becoming religious, which I do believe is a continuous journey that does no end. My becoming 'frum' was slow and done with some forethought. I took on new Mitzvot every now and then and always tried to avoid interfering with my friends of families choices. As a Rabbi of mine said, "Your brother is your brother, not your student". Wise words.
I went off to Yeshivas Tiferes Bochurim in Morristown, NJ. There, the rabbis were supportive and understood the challenges both sides endured. They constantly encouraged us to call home, share our experiences with our families and respect the terms our parents expected or demanded. We called home on Mother's and Father's day, wished them happy new year on January 1st and called them on the english birthday. This may sound like frivolity and silliness but I assure you, when you are becoming religious, the desire, and sometime the need, to completely negate everything not religious is strong. This I call the "FRUM-entation" stage. Just like a wine that needs time to ferment and take on the robustness of its flavour and at the same time needs to be kept sealed and in the dark so as not to upset the process, so too a Baal Teshuva requires an extremely controlled environment and it is difficult to keep the balance between heaven and earth.
Unfortunately, many yeshivot today do not teach or preach these practices. They adopt these students in their entirety and seemingly encourage them in the extremes of piety and zealotry. It appears there are Baal Teshuva programs, outside of the context I am personally familiar with, that do not see the Baal Teshuva stage as its own entity, but rather view it as something requiring remedy. They see their role as making people frum and helping them enter the main stream world of Torah. The complications of this are that individuals with talents, training, education and the like are being deprogrammed from any connection to the world outside of a strictly Torah world. (As if there is no Hashem in the world). They leave the part of themselves that may have contributed to society in general and even to the frum world (Yes, we need frum doctors too) and focus solely on being the most religious, most pious and most zealous member of the group; The proverbial 7% of students that become the next generation of leaders. But when we teach and train the 100% to be the 7%, there are 93% of people left behind. This is a problem in the general world of Ultra-Orthodox Judaism.
Phew, my intention here is not to degrade or question any Yeshiva system. I am solely trying to reiterate the feelings I felt and things I perceived from talking to some of the parents at PORK. There were a number of good stories too, of parents doing more and more to make their children comfortable, to keep them a part of their lives. There were stories of children who keep their parents in the loop and do anything they can to keep the peace and harmony in the relationship.
The advice I offered parents was this: Get to know the system your child is entering. Speak to the Rabbis and/or the mentors at the institution, get to know them and what they are teaching your child. Ask them advice on how to keep your child close, on what you can do to make them more comfortable in their journey. As well, express your needs as a parent. Tell them your expectations of your child. Do this in a respectful manned and sincerely care for your child's well-being. I am sure the yeshiva is not consciously trying to take your child away from you in any way, but a parent that does not call or try to make this connection will never be considered when advice is offered to the child. Make sure they know you are there.
I grew up with supportive parents and that has made all the difference in me. I will never do anything to upset that relationship. And when I began becoming frum, they were a factor I took into consideration. I made sure I always had respect, I used tact when trying to explain a need or concern of my own. I never judged them, never expected more, never tried to convert them, I just lived my life as I had before, with 613 more things I need to do.
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